Sign from God

Have you ever wanted to cry really bad, or felt like you needed to cry before you could move on past whatever it was that was bothering you, but for some reason you just couldn't? Searching for an alternative to dealing with your 'problem', you talk to God hoping that that would offer you some peace, and it does. But your situation doesn't just disappear, or does it? Does the talk that you just had with God make that situation that was troubling you somehow work itself out and no longer worry you or cause you to think it about less? I am in no way underminding the power of God, but after my very emotional talk with him, the thoughts that I had pleaded and so desperately asked God to carry me over and to get me through were still there. I did feel a lot better after getting those emotions, thoughts, and feelings out, even if they weren't directed to the person that I really wanted to tell them to, I was glad to have gotten them out. But I still couldn't clear my head..

I couldn't stop thinking about your radiant smile, and the way you always tilt ya head sideways and stare at me until I'm looking back at you, just so you can smile that bright smile of yours. I couldn't stop looking through my text messages reading the last messages we had sent each other, hoping that while I was reading, I'd get a text from you saying, "I'm on my way," but subconciously I knew it wasn't coming, but that can't stop a man from dreaming right?
Tossing and turning for about a hour, folding pillows over, attempting to trick my body and mind in believing it was uncomfortable, and that was why I couldn't sleep, but ofcourse it didn't work. I had turned and faced the wall in a pitch-black room, staring at my shadow on the wall, and then turning on my back and staring straight up at the ceiling, I cried out, "God what is it you're trying to tell me? Please make your sign clearer for me Lord because I am confused. I don't know where I'm headed and quite frankly I don't care, but Lord I can't do this alone." As if I was trying to hide from someone or something, I pulled the covers up over my head and gripped my rosary tight in my palm and held it close to my heart. After about 30 more minutes had passed, it was around 2:15a.m. and my brain was still bombarded with those thoughts, they just wouldn't leave. The good student deep inside me had spoken to the rest of me and said that it was time for bed, for I had to be well rested for my presentation in the morniing. Still holding my rosary firmly close to my heart, I called out to my Lord once again, "Dear God, before I even begin to tell you what you already know, pelase forgive me Lord. Forgive me for all of the sins I have committed, both knowingly and unknowingly. Lord, I need you. I'm lost, I'm lonely, and in pain Dear God. I need you," while still staring straight up at the ceiling. I had turned once again, and faced the wall and closed my eyes. It didn't take me too long before I was fast asleep and feeling like I was in some sort of paradise, not having a care in the world.

I slept for maybe an hour. At 3:20a.m. I was back up, feeling like I had slept the entire night away, you can imagine my surprise after finding out I had only been sleep an hour, but the sleep felt so refreshing, so peaceful, like that of a shower after a long day and a rigorous workout regimen. I looked around the room a few times, a little confused about where I was. After regrouping, I reached for my phone, thinking that something would be there that wasn't before, but it wasn't and I can't say that I was all that astonished at what I didn't see. I had woken up in the same state I was in before I had forced myself to sleep, confused, lonely, lost, and in pain. I immediately tred to force myself back to sleep, attempting to regain the peace I had experienced while I was sleep. No luck. I had laid there 20 minutes trying to fall back asleep but it just wasn't happening. I was up at 3:40a.m. on my busiest day of the week, and there was nothing I could do about it. I poured myself a glass of the Grape Kool-Aid I had made a some hours before and sat down at my desk and started typing.

As I logged into my computer, a speck of light shone through the blinds, onto the all white side wall that I had just crawled away from. It wasn't very much, but it was enough light to catch my attention. I spun around in my twirling desk chair and peered out the window, trynig to find the source of that light. Nothing. I twirled back around, stood up and reached for my gym shoes. I laced them up and threw on a gray zip up hoodie hanging up in the closest and made my way outside. I had to figure out where this light was coming from. I didn't know what was evoking oh so much to find the source of this light, but I knew I had to. I walked out the door, forgetting to lock the door behind me, but that small detail didn't seem to have any priority at the time. Walking down the hallway towards the staircase, it seemed that the hallway was never-ending, not wanting me to find this light source. Finally making it to the staircase, I had 156 steps to walk down. I lived on the top floor of the apartment complex, and while walking down the stairs, I remember thinking out loud, "I'm never gonna find out where that light is coming from." After what seemed to be a century and a half, I was outside. I looked up and saw the line of light that had been shining into my bedroom, disrupting the all-black aura that had existed. Seeing the line of light wasn't enough for me, I wanted to know where it all started at. I opened the car door, and reached into the side compartment on the passenger side door. I followed that line of light, I had to have walked for miles, but it didn't feel like it nor did it bother me. I looked up and still all I saw was that same line of light. I put my head down and started back walking. A few more miles I walked before looking up again, and this time I saw it. I don't know exactly what it was I saw, but it clearly was the origin of that line of light I had been following.

I stared at the source of light for a while in amazement, still unsure of what I was looking at, I knew it was something special. That's when it hit me. This was my sign. The sign I had begged God to show me, was right here in front of me. I scanned the neighborhood a little, and then looked back at the sky. That line of light I had walked miles following, I now knew why I had followed it; God was carrying me away from my the pain, the loneliness, and the confusion, and bringing me to a new light, a new day. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my digital camera that I had grabbed when I went inside of my car, and took a picture to remember this moment always.

The Interview with the Broken-Hearted Man

So shall we talk about love?

I'd rather not...

Why?..if you don't mind me asking..

maybe I'm scared...

maybe I'm scared to love...

maybe I'm scared to be loved...

but why?

hurting...

been hurt before...

is that any reason to never be happy?

happy with someone I mean?

happiness is plain...happiness is basic...happiness is like life..happiness is what you make it...

you don't think that if you love someone, or you're in love..that you'll be happy?

love can bring you happiness...as well as it can take it...

wow why are u so bitter?...no offence...

none taken...and I'm not..just always on the defense...

you must have really been hurt?

yes...only because I allowed it to happen...

yet I appreciate each experience for what I learned from it...

love for me is always a 4th down..do I run?..or do I punt it?

why do you think you allowed it to happen?..wat happened?

(slight smirk)...she happened...

so who was this lady, who stole your heart?

ahahah...never kiss and tell...

is it a story that you're willing to tell?

not really.. its kind of embarrasing how fast in love I fell...

I was open at one point...like pores fresh out of the shower...

there was a time when love was my everything..it gave me power...

living for the love of her...and I was loving every minute of it...

love became like food I NEEDED IT!..HAD TO HAVE IT!

she became my addiction, a habit..I was an addict...

you think you were addicted?

yes..the first relationship where I wasn't worried about my heart...

how did you know you could trust her?

I didn't, but I was willing to risk it...

wow...an addict though?

yes an addict...

without it...without her...I couldn't sleep..refused to eat...and life seemed meaningless...

what happened to love, is still unknown...

maybe I'm just meant to be alone...

now...here I am years later...a love hater...

so you hate love?

I think loves hates me...

falling in love is easy...staying there is the hard part...

now I'm forced to live here with a frozen heart...

love is a game that seems like it can't be won...

do you think you'll find love again..ever?

yes...possibly...I think love is needed..much like both business and pleasure...

yea I'm sure you'll find love again one day, maybe you jus gave up on the fight...?

maybe..but I believe now more than ever that...

a womans life is love..and a mans love is life...

well I don't have any more questions..anything else you'd like to share?

yes..if you really love someone don't just say things and expect them to know that you care..actually do what you say...and always be there...

thats not just for women...and thats not just for men...

communicatoin, trust, and love is where it begins...

just don't allow pain, confusion and heartbreak to be the way that it ends...

Dez the prince...C.T.G Successmen

Why I Write

I write to forget.

To forget

the pain, the hurt, and the sorrow I feel,

To remember the happy times spend with family and friends both far and near.

I write to experience.

Experience everything I've ever felt,

over again.

To understand the things people often say can't.

I write to tell a story.

To tell stories of my past, present, and future.

To guide those after me to be better than those before me.

I write, simply, because it calms me.

It gives me an outlet to anything that I feel.

More specifically, I write just to write.

There's just something it does for me.

Checkmate!

I've started playing this game.. It seems like it's never ending. A game of strategy, I must not only make my next move a move that will put me in a position to win, but I also have to make my next move a good defensive one. I can't allow my opponent to intimidate or control this game. I must take control early, and capitilize on my opponents mistakes, when he makes them.

The game had started, and we were even. Not yet making a move, I pondered what my first move should be. After pondering for while, I made my move. A move my opponent seems to have suspected me making, for he quickly makes his move without hesitation, and we are back even again. We traded irrelevant moves for a short time, neither one of us gaining anything from the moves though. I had entered back into my thought process and began wondering how I could take the lead for good. I began to make my move, but caught myself, and realized that it was the obvious move that my opponent more than likely had anticipated me making. After examining the board once again I then noticed a move that my opponent would never suspect and therefore not have a counter for. As my hand reached out to make my move, my opponent outstretched his hand as well as if he already knew his next move. I hesitated a little, but then continued with my previously decided move. Upon making my move he then retracted his hand and examined the board. He in fact was not expecting me to make that move and now had to reevaluate his strategy, and his possible moves. No longer sure how to gain momentum and composure, he made his move. I noticed the mistake he had made and capitilized on it. His next move, like his last, quickly made and poorly planned. I captured one of his most powerful pieces, and in doing so, I had infiltrated his mind, knowing exactly how the rest of the game will go. There is no way I could lose now. He, in return, captured one of my pieces, but one of little importance to me. Simply a decoy to lure him in, and it did just that. My next move pretty much ending the game, captured yet another one of his dominate pieces.

"Check!"

His next move removed him from check, but didn't, in any way, improve his chances of not losing this game. I move.


"Check!"


He began to see what I saw. He had no chance of winning, he could simply play this game of cat and mouse; I backed him into a corner, he squeezed out of it, but not for long. Although noticing this, I could tell in his eyes that he would not just lay down and die but instead tried to prolong the game. He moved, only in his attempt to draw out the game, he opened the door for me to walk right in and win. I move.


"Checkmate!"


I stood up, shook his hand, and thanked him for the good game he played. I then, turned around and walked out of his office, and headed to my car....




I had walked into that job interview more nervous than I had ever been. Wondering if I should have maybe worn the blue suit instead of the black one, or wearing the red tie instead of the black and silver pinstriped one. I had tried preparing myself before the interview, but upon my arrival, I had seen that I just had to go off of my interviewer. And I did just that. I began telling him about myself, my college education, both undergrad, and graduate. He responded telling me of his background, his schooling which included a Bachelor's, Master's, and a Doctorate. I, then informed him of my interest in the position I was seeking, and my goals for not only that position, but the company as a whole, if hired. He followed that asking a few questions that evaluated my personality and how I was as a person. I then reached into my briefcase, and handed him my resume. Attached to the resume was a five year plan that I had composed for myself within their corporation, anticipating I would get the job. I could tell, by the way he sat up in his leather desk chair, uncrossed his legs, and thorougly examined both my resume, and the five year plan, that he had never had an interviewee of the sort. Slightly smirking, it was obvious he was impressed by what had just been presented to him. Wanting to ask a difficult question in an attempt to catch me off-guard, he asked, "had there ever been an instance in which I had to make a difficult decision, if so, when?" Amused by the simplicity of the question, I paused, and then answered, "I once held a managerial position at Best Buy, and was over a number of employees, some of which had become good friends. One of the employees, as well as my friend, had not been working to the necessary calibur required of the job. I had spoken with him several times about his work ethic and his production within the company. Nothing had changed after the several times I had spoken with him, and was forced to release him from his position." He then asked, "Are there any questions that you have for me?" I shook my head and replied, "No, sir."


"Is Monday at 7:30a.m. too soon for you to start?" He asked. "No sir, Monday at 7:30 is perfect." I replied, as we both stood up. We shook hands, and I thanked him for the opportunity, and assured him that I wouldn't disappoint him. I then, turned around and walked out of his office, and headed to my car.


Checkmate!

Road to Success

I've been travelling down this road for years. Literally years. It all started when I was 18. I had just graduated high school, and it felt great! But the whole summer I couldn't think about anything else but me wanting more. I wanted to be where I wanted to be, I know that doesn't really make sense right now, but try ya best to understand it.

I had gotten accepted to the University of Chicago, and being from Atlanta, I was excited. I had never been to Chicago, or a city remotely like it. I was anxious. The day before I left, I didnt get any sleep. I was out all night seeing my friends that were still home. We didn't do much, hung out at my friend, Darryl's house, watching movies, listening to music, we even cooked that night. We had some female company over so we decided to cook for em. I must've walked in the house at about 5a.m. to a cherry red faced woman who I call my mom. She was highly upset. "Sean where the hell have you been? You must think you grown or something.." I didn't respond because I knew those had to be rhetorical questions, and if they weren't then there couldn't have been any answer that I could give that would calm her down, so I just walked into my room and sat on the bed. The funny thing is, I wasn't even tired. My flight was in 2 hours, but I wasn't worried, because everything that I was taking with me was already packed, I had my clothes for the flight laid out on the other end of my bed, ironed and everything. So now all I had to do was pack the car, take a shower, charge my phone a little, and head to the airport.

We got to the airport around 6:15a.m., checked my bags, got through security and was in the boarding area by 6:32a.m. I boarded the flight to Chicago at 6:44a.m., and landed in Chi-City, as Chicago natives would call it, at 9:21a.m. Chicago time. The city was beautiful! I had never seen anything like it, so many tall buildings and people just walking around. Cars everywhere. It was amazing.

My first year was fun, I met a bunch of cool people, and the classes weren't as hard as I thought they'd be. I met Yazmin that year, she was my girlfriend, and still is to be honest. We had got real close real fast, she was just like me, the female version of me. She was gorgeous, spontaneous, ambitious, and just all around perfect, for me atleast. I told her everything, we used to stay up all night, just talking. I'd tell her about my past, and about my real passion. I was in school on an academic scholarship double majoring in Pharmacy and Psychology. But my real passion was in photography. I loved my camera, she captured all the moments that I ever had, most of em I wouldn't have remembered without her.

My mom didn't think Photography was a real major so I had to study something more concrete to suit her. I used to tell Yazmin all the time how I really just wanted to take pictures. That's it that's all.

My next two years at the Univ of Chicago were ok. Nothing special. I mostly just focused on my schoolwork, but was a little unmotivated. You know how it is when you want to do something, but nothing that you're doing is to better what you really wanna do.. That's how it was for me. I mean, I liked Pharmacy and Psychology, they were cool, but it wasn't me. It wasn't what I wanted to do, and therefore it didn't interest me in ways that people thought it would or thought that it should.

After first semester Junior year, and a few long talks with Yazmin, it was clear to me that I was unhappy with myself. Mainly because I felt I was cheating myself out of life. I always hear that you should live everyday and every moment like it's ya last, and I wasn't doing that. I was living my life the way my mom and the rest of the family wanted me to. All they talked about my whole life was how I was gonna be this big psychologist, and I mean I love my fam to death, but I couldn't keep putting what I wanted and my dreams on the backburner for them. I know they only wanted what's best for me, but who are they to say what's best for me, you know?

I dropped outta college that year, and was pursuing photography full-time. Everybody said I wouldn't make it and that I'd be just like my father, whoever he was. It was rough at first, I must admit that. The road had a few curves and some forks in it, but I followed my heart and I got to where I wanted to go.

Now I'm 26, and I own my own magazine. 5 years after dropping out of college, and I'm the CEO of a million-dollar company, and I'm not even finished yet. I'm back in school, still double majoring in Pharmacy and Psychology. I'm in a better position now, to finish that of which I started, than I was 5 years ago. I'm more motivated now, mainly because I focused on me and did what I really wanted do. My next goal is to be a Psychologist, both adult and child, and after that, who knows. But I do know that I don't plan on turning off of this road anytime soon. I wanna do it all, and I will. This is my road, and I plan on owning it.

Windows...

sometimes I feel trapped in my own skin, as if there is something more to do...more to be said screaming and crying out for help on the inside but I remain quiet and emotionless on the outside...I find myself spending numerous hours and countless days in front of windows and mirrors... not so much to observe my features....but more so to just think and sometimes... comfront my inner creatures...I think about my life as an athlete and why for me, no one was in the bleachers...I think about how I've been prepared for the world...Nasha and Bud are the worlds best teachers..windows seem to be my favorite tho...I stare almost in a trance wondering about lifes mysteries..mysteries..indeed they are to me..but I guess thats the way life must be..where you're goin and where you'll end up..is a mystery....My windows help me to escape from all the negativity...lately I notice I'm lookin to escape quite often..I mean I understand I haven't had the best life, the shit I lived through made me tougher...I cud complain..but why?..I know some guys wit rougher...MY WINDOW...MY WINDOW show me something gud...show me something betta...but please...still show me the hood show me where I cud be...show me wat I cud be..show me both..the gud and the bad...I just ask that you always show the real to me..show the world and the limited affection it gives, show me everything I should and shouldn't seeu show me my reflection..u show me the real me...show me the pain show me the love...show wats out there for me.....if u really are that window of opportunity everybody keeps speaking of...

-Darius Fields

Window of Opportunity

Everybody's so quick to tell me what I can't do. "You're not hoopin' anymore? So what you going to do?" Like that's all I was good at. Nobody cared about how I felt, about what was really in my heart. But it's cool, they don't matter anyway, all that matters is me.

I watch the world from a distance, if I get too close I'll become disgusted with all the phony and fake actions of those living in it, and therefore will not be able to control my actions. I analyze their movements and their speech, and to me it sounds so different than what I'm used to. So many lies, so many assumptions about other people's life without genuinely getting to know the people whom they discuss. It's crazy! The world is confusing to me, and in return the world gets amusement from me. So many people watch my life as a guideline for the way they live, as the blueprint for how they should handle things, when I simply just live my life.

Everybody has their opinion on my life and how I live, when I never understood why. Why is my life of such importance to everybody? Females try to decipher my thoughts, but even if I told em everything they'd understand nothing. They all know whats best for me, or atleast they think they do.

I find myself staring out this window a lot, trying to wrap my brain around this thing called life. I know what I want to do, but I'm so tired of everybody telling me what I should do. I've been living for me, but I've been living partially. It's time to really live for me and for the moment.

Now when I look at this window, I don't concern myself with the people at the bottom of it, I see everything that I've ever wanted. All my dreams are within reach. The scariest part about reaching out the window in pursuit of your dreams, is the possibility of falling face first towards the ground. I'm not worried about it though. This is my window of opportunity and I'm not gonna let it slip away.