Have you ever wanted to cry really bad, or felt like you needed to cry before you could move on past whatever it was that was bothering you, but for some reason you just couldn't? Searching for an alternative to dealing with your 'problem', you talk to God hoping that that would offer you some peace, and it does. But your situation doesn't just disappear, or does it? Does the talk that you just had with God make that situation that was troubling you somehow work itself out and no longer worry you or cause you to think it about less? I am in no way underminding the power of God, but after my very emotional talk with him, the thoughts that I had pleaded and so desperately asked God to carry me over and to get me through were still there. I did feel a lot better after getting those emotions, thoughts, and feelings out, even if they weren't directed to the person that I really wanted to tell them to, I was glad to have gotten them out. But I still couldn't clear my head..
I couldn't stop thinking about your radiant smile, and the way you always tilt ya head sideways and stare at me until I'm looking back at you, just so you can smile that bright smile of yours. I couldn't stop looking through my text messages reading the last messages we had sent each other, hoping that while I was reading, I'd get a text from you saying, "I'm on my way," but subconciously I knew it wasn't coming, but that can't stop a man from dreaming right?
Tossing and turning for about a hour, folding pillows over, attempting to trick my body and mind in believing it was uncomfortable, and that was why I couldn't sleep, but ofcourse it didn't work. I had turned and faced the wall in a pitch-black room, staring at my shadow on the wall, and then turning on my back and staring straight up at the ceiling, I cried out, "God what is it you're trying to tell me? Please make your sign clearer for me Lord because I am confused. I don't know where I'm headed and quite frankly I don't care, but Lord I can't do this alone." As if I was trying to hide from someone or something, I pulled the covers up over my head and gripped my rosary tight in my palm and held it close to my heart. After about 30 more minutes had passed, it was around 2:15a.m. and my brain was still bombarded with those thoughts, they just wouldn't leave. The good student deep inside me had spoken to the rest of me and said that it was time for bed, for I had to be well rested for my presentation in the morniing. Still holding my rosary firmly close to my heart, I called out to my Lord once again, "Dear God, before I even begin to tell you what you already know, pelase forgive me Lord. Forgive me for all of the sins I have committed, both knowingly and unknowingly. Lord, I need you. I'm lost, I'm lonely, and in pain Dear God. I need you," while still staring straight up at the ceiling. I had turned once again, and faced the wall and closed my eyes. It didn't take me too long before I was fast asleep and feeling like I was in some sort of paradise, not having a care in the world.
I slept for maybe an hour. At 3:20a.m. I was back up, feeling like I had slept the entire night away, you can imagine my surprise after finding out I had only been sleep an hour, but the sleep felt so refreshing, so peaceful, like that of a shower after a long day and a rigorous workout regimen. I looked around the room a few times, a little confused about where I was. After regrouping, I reached for my phone, thinking that something would be there that wasn't before, but it wasn't and I can't say that I was all that astonished at what I didn't see. I had woken up in the same state I was in before I had forced myself to sleep, confused, lonely, lost, and in pain. I immediately tred to force myself back to sleep, attempting to regain the peace I had experienced while I was sleep. No luck. I had laid there 20 minutes trying to fall back asleep but it just wasn't happening. I was up at 3:40a.m. on my busiest day of the week, and there was nothing I could do about it. I poured myself a glass of the Grape Kool-Aid I had made a some hours before and sat down at my desk and started typing.
As I logged into my computer, a speck of light shone through the blinds, onto the all white side wall that I had just crawled away from. It wasn't very much, but it was enough light to catch my attention. I spun around in my twirling desk chair and peered out the window, trynig to find the source of that light. Nothing. I twirled back around, stood up and reached for my gym shoes. I laced them up and threw on a gray zip up hoodie hanging up in the closest and made my way outside. I had to figure out where this light was coming from. I didn't know what was evoking oh so much to find the source of this light, but I knew I had to. I walked out the door, forgetting to lock the door behind me, but that small detail didn't seem to have any priority at the time. Walking down the hallway towards the staircase, it seemed that the hallway was never-ending, not wanting me to find this light source. Finally making it to the staircase, I had 156 steps to walk down. I lived on the top floor of the apartment complex, and while walking down the stairs, I remember thinking out loud, "I'm never gonna find out where that light is coming from." After what seemed to be a century and a half, I was outside. I looked up and saw the line of light that had been shining into my bedroom, disrupting the all-black aura that had existed. Seeing the line of light wasn't enough for me, I wanted to know where it all started at. I opened the car door, and reached into the side compartment on the passenger side door. I followed that line of light, I had to have walked for miles, but it didn't feel like it nor did it bother me. I looked up and still all I saw was that same line of light. I put my head down and started back walking. A few more miles I walked before looking up again, and this time I saw it. I don't know exactly what it was I saw, but it clearly was the origin of that line of light I had been following.
I stared at the source of light for a while in amazement, still unsure of what I was looking at, I knew it was something special. That's when it hit me. This was my sign. The sign I had begged God to show me, was right here in front of me. I scanned the neighborhood a little, and then looked back at the sky. That line of light I had walked miles following, I now knew why I had followed it; God was carrying me away from my the pain, the loneliness, and the confusion, and bringing me to a new light, a new day. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my digital camera that I had grabbed when I went inside of my car, and took a picture to remember this moment always.
