I search for peace, an escape from the stress of the world and the dispair that everything around me brings. No matter where I go I can never seem to escape the pain. I was about 7, Ma was busy working, and Dad was too. So I was left to fend for myself, forced to grow up way before I was ready. Most kids my age were playing tag or riding their in-line skates or 5-speed bikes, but me, I was on the hunt, for everything I didn't have, food, friends, money, I wanted it all. Even with both my parents working all the time, we still couldn't afford the things I wanted, just the neccessities and not even all of those, often times going without shoes for months at a time. It wasn't the life I wanted, but the one I was forced to live. I not only had to fend for myself, but I had a little brother too, he was 3. I was his babysitter, but not really, I was his everything. He wanted so desperately to be like me, which I couldn't understand and still to this day don't quite get. Evan was his name, he looked like me, as much as I hated to admit it, he did. He looked more like me than anybody else in the family. My little brother. Life was a little easier for him, or atleast I thought so. There was always baby food, and he wore pullups and had plenty of those and plenty of baby clothes. It seemed his only care in the world was getting his big brother to play with him. Only we didn't have any toys. That never stopped us though, he loved hide and seek. "Eric, I'm gonna go hide k," he'd yell in his high pitched baby voice. "Ok Evan, make sure you hide in a good place this time," I'd yell back, and he'd take off running. That always bought me time to try and figure out how I'd keep my brother from knowing the real life we led. Most of the time, I'd run out to the store as fast as I could, with the intentions on stealing some snacks for us. He loved snacks, especially the little dinosaur gummy bears, they were his favorite. He'd play with them a little, have wars with em, before throwing them in his mouth and chomping down on em like he was a dinosaur. He used to laugh so hard, and seeing him laugh was the best feeling in the world, nothing was as bad, cause my little man was happy.
Some years had passed, and we had hit a string of bad luck. My father's hours got cut at his job, and my mom well she did what she could, but supporting everybody. Her job was just barely covering the bills. Evan was getting so big, he reminded me of me at seven. I was old enough to get a job at the local ice cream shop so that was cool. I didn't see Evan as much though. I didn't work a whole lot but I was in school and he was too. My money was our money, and his money was his money. That's just how it was. He used to write letters and draw shit for me. He'd somehow manage to slip it in the homework pile on my desk when Ma wasn't looking. I used to come across them when I was moving the pile to the other side of the desk to check my email before taking the desk chair to play the new nba live on Sega Genesis. I'd look em over and I'd write back sometimes, "I miss you too E. Love you."
I had quit the ice cream spot, I got a job at this local delivery place near the house, they gave me more hours, and the pay was a lot better. I didn't see E much tho. We had moved into two houses. I had more freedom at Dad's house, so I was always there. Evan was with Ma. I was still going to school, though most kids my age didn't anymore. I sometimes didn't understand why, but I knew I needed it.
I went, writing in any empty notebook I could find. Mostly poems and real life journal entries. I used to write that kinda shit in all my classes. School never really interested me. Not the idea of school, but the aspect of it. I didn't like the environment. A lot of my grades focused on my participation, I wasn't one of those class cuttin dudes, I was there, I would listen here and there and take notes. Didn't really focus much on the assignments. I did them the day they were do or the night before. My projects always got A's, and my papers were sufficient too. I just wasn't a big talker, and failed the in class tests because I didn't really know the book version of how to solve problems and answer questions. But I knew the information. I just wasn't motivated. I wanted to be challenged more.
My graduation from high school wasn't that spectacular. It didn't really get me excited like it did most eigtheen year olds. I wanted more. I was glad to be getting out of the house. I had a nice grocery store job that was pretty cool and flexible with hours. I kept it the whole summer before I left for college. Made a little bit of money and didn't really take a lot down to school, I had enough though.
But college wasn't something I was fully prepared for, I don't think. I could do whatever I wanted. Whenever I wanted. Couldn't nobody tell me shit! My grades were good and I had pledged. I was a brother of the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity. College life was descent. I fucked with it. Came home to a great paying job for the summer every year. That first summer added to one of my best performances school wise, grades and all. I was where I wanted to be, financially and academically. I still wanted little shit, but it was still kinda big shit; a car, apartment. Just growing up, you know? I hadn't talked to that little bro of mine in a while. He would usually call sporadically, but was never available. I assumed he had been doing well since I hadn't heard otherwise.
Midway through that summer I got a call about an apartment, one of my guys, saying he needed another roommate and wanted to know if I was up for it. Now all I needed was a car. I went back to school with a nice apartment, and a whole new wadrobe. I had some nice school supplies, I had to get that car though. I walked to class mostly. It wasn't that far. I wasn't going to let it keep me from going.
Me and Ma had made a deal, she'd match whatever I saved towards a car. I was with it. I knew the Chevy Impala I wanted was coming soon. I hit a rough patch, I didn't get a job until later on in the year. But Ma ended up buying me a car herself. She surprised me with it on my twentieth birthday. She brought the keys to me, I was geeked, I knew Evan would be with her. He wasn't though. She said he had football practice. He had apparently got real serious with it and was getting local recognition back home. She didn't stay long, she had to go to work. I dropped her off, kissed her, and told I loved her. She used to get rides back home when I dropped her off.
I came home for the summer with the same good paying job I had the one before, at J.P. Morgan Chase Bank. I had a car now and I was back in the city, I planned on really kicking it with him. I missed the little dude. He was real busy working out for football, the newspapers back home were saying he could go d1. He called me a week before my birthday saying happy early birthday and that he wanted to kick it. I went and got him early on my birthday. I had already requested the day off, and I had missed my little brother. It was just us two. We didn't do nothing really. Thats when I found out the little dude like water. It relaxes him. Like he liked being around lakes and oceans. Nah, it's kinda cool, he put me up on it. But anyway, that's what we did for my birthday. We paddled out to the middle of Passion Lake. We must have went really far cause by the time we got to the middle, there were lilly pads everywhere and frogs all over the place too. It was cool. I liked that shit. Right before I went back to school for my junior year, me and E went to the lake for the last time that summer. We had been talking that whole summer about how we were really gonna focus on us. Keeping our relationship close. And we did. I came home a lot more that year, and everytime I did, we'd go out there to Passion Lake, and talk about the future, watch the frogs jump over their pads, some qiuckly and others smooth as a light breeze. That summer, we continued our respective grinds, older now, we knew it was time to really get after that shit. We had been separated for a long time, but once we got back together, it was right where we left off, 11 years later, and 11 more years of life under our belts. We saw the way the world was, and we were tired of waiting to accomplish our goals. You would have loved to meet him, bay. We saved money to put into whatever we needed to do whatever we wanted to do.
I got a call one day from Ma. I was in my senior year of college and was studying for 2nd semester midterms. E had been pronounced dead as soon as he got to the hospital. He had been hit by a car while crossing the street coming from practice. I hadn't talked to him in a couple days but that was normal, we'd go a day or two at a time without speaking. One of us would call that third day and bitch the other out about not calling or texting the days before but we both had just missed each other low-key. I never stopped grinding though. I always said, I was gonna get the money and buy some land not far from Passion Lake and build a house. I went to the funeral, it was hard on me. I buried my little brother. That was little me in that box.
I did just what I said though, and I know he was proud. I still go out there now, whenever I miss him a lot or just need a getaway, I go. It's only about 4 miles north of here.
And that's me, Love.
I love going out there and pointing to the lillies. Just remembering me and my brother out there. I wish he coulda seen this though. I got that picture out of his room after the funeral. He took it one of the times we were out here to always make him feel like he was out there even when he wasn't.
Would you like to go see?
